Those who know me, know that I currently only have one child. Those close to me also know that I have been blessed with five pregnancies throughout my marriage of almost fifteen years. My first pregnancy was about six years into our marriage and the second pregnancy came a couple years after that. We live in a world that talks about abortions daily and miscarriages are hush hush. This is yet another example of our broken world. Why do so many keep these tragedies a secret? Our doctors, friends and families use words like, “It must not be God’s will”, “The pregnancy wasn’t viable”, “Some people aren’t built to have babies”…. The list goes on and on of what I have heard. These statements do not help. The only words I wanted to hear was “I’m praying for you”. Most statements neglect to even refer to it as a lost life or child. As if these children that I lost were any less significant than the one that is sleeping on the couch next to me as I write. They were all my children. I love them all. I tried to accept that I wasn’t meant to have a child naturally. I did have peace about it and we had planned to adopt and then God showed us He had other plans. My third pregnancy was eight years into our marriage. I remember being so stressed most of my pregnancy, worrying something would go wrong. I missed out on a lot of the joy I should have had because of fear of loosing him. Five years after giving birth to our son, I found out I was pregnant again. We were very excited. I was excited to have another chance to be able to enjoy my pregnancy and just trust in the Lord to take care of us both. About ten weeks into the pregnancy, there was no heartbeat. I was shocked, devastated, and confused. I remember riding home with my parents and son in the car and I couldn’t say a word. I had no words. Why would this happen to me again? What did I do wrong? Why do so many young girls and women have children with no problem and they don’t even want them? It isn’t fair. This was probably my last chance to have another child. I began to try and accept the fact that I wasn’t “meant” to have another one. The pain never goes away when you loose a child. The love for them starts the moment you know they are growing in you and it never leaves you. About eight months after my last miscarriage, I took an at home pregnancy test on my birthday and it was positive. Then came the excitement merged with fear that anyone who has had miscarriages knows all to well. I went to the first doctors appointment trying be ready for whatever news I got. Then we saw our little baby on the screen. He was healthy and doing just fine. The first time we heard the little heart beat, there was no denying how wonderful God is and what a miracle this baby was. I am now about 8 weeks away from my due date and God has shown how wonderful He is throughout this entire pregnancy. There have been scares and uncertainties and all of them have been taken care of by my Heavenly Father. We can’t wait to meet our second “Rainbow Baby” and share how wonderful God has been through it all. Each time I tell someone about my miscarriages, I always get an “I’m sorry” statement, but I feel so blessed to have been able to see that positive pregnancy test five times because I know there are so many women out there who long to experience that. To those women, keep trusting in the Lord. He does have a plan. I am thankful for the time I had with each baby, no matter how short. I am so blessed. I did get that chance I prayed for to enjoy my pregnancy while just placing it all in the Lord’s hands. When you let go and let God handle it, there is so much peace and joy. He is a Good Father and He hears our cries.
“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)